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Thursday, June 6, 2019

I Really, Really Don't Know

A week ago today, I found myself sitting at a small round table next to my boss and across from my direct supervisor. I heard the words and each one landed in the panic and trauma part of my brain. I don't know what part of my brain that is...the title of this blog post should have told you that. I can tell you that the words "downsized," "position eliminated," "effective immediately" hit that whatever part of my brain like what I imagine a stroke feels like; I went cold, felt nauseated, and my stomach sank to the top of my poorly manicured toes.

I didn't really expect to be laid off...well not that soon anyway. Perhaps in retrospect, I shouldn't have been so blindsided; call it hubris, naivete, whatever, but I really didn't think it would be me. I guess every employee can think of at least one person it should have been instead of them. But it wasn't one other person; it was me. And I had to accept that.

Turns out, accepting that you have been laid off is a lot harder than it seems. You'd think that would be it. Your boss tells you that you no longer work there and you pack up your stuff and leave. But here's the thing: it doesn't quite register. I mean, it does; but it doesn't. I suppose the best way to describe the feeling is similar to that of a breakup. As I drove home, all I could think was "did that really happen?" "what if this was a mistake?" The rest of the day was spent with feelings of denial and complete confusion.

Then came the fear. The fear of losing my house, losing my car, losing my cats. It was also followed by shame. Even though my husband, my friends and even my aforementioned boss told me that my being dismissed had absolutely nothing to do with my job performance or work ethic, it still felt like a rejection. I mean, it was pretty much: "It's not you, it's us." A classic breakup line.

Next came sulking. And wallowing. And not showering. Gross, I know.

Then came self-medicating.

Then more self-medicating.

Then some "self-care," which turned out to be more self-medicating.

Then came anger.

Then more self-medicating.

You get the point. It sucked. And it still sucks. Although, I have stopped crying. And yelling. And I have showered. I've also put together my resume. And I've Pinterested a whole bunch of "get rich quick" and "work from home" quackery schemes. So there's that.

And now I'm blogging. How cliche is that? Could I be any more of a laid off Gen Xer? Gross, I know.

Turns out though, it's also a good way to help get to the acceptance, forgiveness, and moving on stage. Allegedly. According to Pinterest.

But more importantly, as you can see- I've titled this blog "I Don't Know: A Know Getter's Guide," so as promised. I'm going to get some "know."

I mentioned at the top that I don't know what part of the brain processes pain and trauma.

Well, brb.

*opens new tab*
*goes to Wikipedia*
*takes much longer to absorb info than it should*
*returns to blog draft*

Ahem. Turns out, it's a 3 part harmony: The amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex.

I call it a 3 part harmony because Amygdala, Hippocampus & Prefrontal Cortex will be the name of my female acapella trio I start some day. See, I still got that sharp witted-sense of humor my former boss and coworkers LOVED.

As far as what's next? That's also in the title of my blog: I don't know. I really, really don't know. There's a good chance that I become a super annoying blogger. There's also a good chance that I don't ever blog again. There's also a 3rd chance that I sell pictures online of my poorly manicured feet stepping on cakes to make some side hustle money.

The world is my scary unknowing oyster.


BeeRadd said...

Great read, keep up the good work, awesome!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ain't no shame in the foot fetish game ❤

Anonymous said...

My sister had a very similar experience a few years ago. It is a shitty path to walk. Is there something you haven’t done that you’ve always wanted to do? Something you never had time for?

Laurenable said...

Good read and very relatable. Been laid off twice in my life.

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