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Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Festivals for the Restivals! A Festival Make Up Tutorial (from someone who's never been to a festival)

I asked for topics for my blog recently, and one of the suggestions that I really loved was tips on drag make up. Fun! I thought. And, why not? It's Pride Month!

I asked for topics for my blog recently, and one of the suggestions that I really loved was tips on drag make up. Fun! I thought. And, why not? It's Pride Month!

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And then, I thought, "wait, can I as a cis-gender woman do that?'
And then, I googled it. I saw loads of pages about bio queens, faux queens, and a bunch of articles about RuPaul's thoughts on the subject. There's a lot of hot takes on the subject.
And then, I saw what I was looking for: drag makeup can be a form of cultural appropriation. And that's where I stopped.

Here's the deal: I'm not a bio or faux queen. I'm a huge supporter and ally of the drag community, but I feel that I have absolutely no right to weigh in on a subject in a community that I am not a part of. I have the obligation to listen and read up on the subject, sure; but absolutely no place to bring my outside opinions into a debate that would in no way benefit from my outside opinions. And my respect for the community brought me to the decision that I would NEVER want to cheapen the experience of the drag community by some silly cis woman playing dress up. Nope. Not going to do it.
And yes, it is Pride Month; but the last thing the LGBTQIA community needs is one more person trying to profit off of it...even if it's just in the form of clicks on a blog.

So no; I won't be doing drag.

However, there is a community that I am not a part of and know nothing about, but I really don't care if I cheapen their identity or not: Festival Party Girls; and more specifically- their makeup.

Bitches, you had it coming. (And by bitches, I mean anyone who still has the exuberant and carefree radiance of youth that allows them to live a life of music festivals and rompers, while old crones like me stay in watch Investigation I.D. with their cats. Basically, I speak out of jealousy.)

So, obviously, I don't go to festivals; unless I get Crone Fest up and running! The closest I've been to a music festival is Lollapalooza in the '90's. I was 16 and it was just a half-day concert in Fiddler's Green. We spent the majority of the time on the lawn, smoking cigarettes and trying to look cool. I believe we chugged a single Seagram's wine cooler between the 4 of us in the car beforehand. Probably not the same as the modern day "festival" experience. But I could be wrong.

(I had this shirt)

Based on the instagram photos I've seen, here's what I think goes on at your Coachellas, your Bonneroos, and the like: you put together a cute (but it needs to look effortless) outfit and go out into the heat, where you drink too much, perhaps you do some of the drugs that they do on Riverdale, you get dehydrated, you get either dusty or muddy, you pee in a port-a-potty, and you probably miss the headlining act.

(these kids are far too unsupervised)

Again, I could be wrong; but let's say for the sake of argument, that I am not.

Ok, so assuming all the above conditions are present; you are going to need some makeup that both looks like you just woke up AND that you've been cuddled by both Lisa Frank and Stevie Nicks; like you are effortlessly basking in the afterglow of a unicorn/mermaid orgy that just happened on your face.

And that's what I'm going to show you today.

First, you want to tone, moisturize and prime your face. My normal makeup routine can vary from 3 to 142 steps. For the sake of simplicity, I'll try to keep it under 142.

If you are an oily girl like me- I highly recommend this Avene mattifying toner and follow it up with this Avene matte moisturizer.

Now before I go any farther- you are probably like "if this bitch has never been to a festival before, what gives her the authority to give festival makeup up advice?" And to that I say: Look, I've been getting drunk outside longer than most have you have been listening to Bon Iver...or whomever the relevant festival artist is. I've seen the effects of the hot sun, and sweat and dehydration on a face full of makeup. It ain't pretty. I've learned to hide that crime scene.

Ok, which leads me to my next step: SUNSCREEN!!!! This is not an optional step. It is non-negotiable. If you are not going to put sunscreen on your face, then why do you even have a face? I use Coola Matter Mineral Sunscreen. It's great. It's a bit pricy, but again, it's my face.

Next, I use a spray primer. I like Skindinavia Makeup Face Primer Matte. Let that dry.

(Oh, and obviously if you do not have oily skin, you will probably want to use hydrating or at the very least non-matte products. There's a gazillion of them...but I have oily skin and this is my blog.)

Next, I like to put an additional primer on. What? Yeah, I'm wild. My go-to is Cover FX Gripping Primer primer. It is great for all skin types and it really does "grip" your makeup.

Now, here's the tricky part. Your foundation. If you are one of those lucky bitches blessed with flawless skin, then you can go fuck yourselves...and skip this step. For the rest of us mortals, it's time for foundation or at the very least concealer. My expert outdoor day drunk advice? Go easy on whatever you use. Cover up the blemishes and/or use the foundation sparingly. Or use a tinted moisturizer or BB cream. Too much foundation will look cakey and/or will only look worse if it starts to melt off your skin.

The same goes for the powder. Use just enough to set the makeup.

OK. Now for the FUN stuff. Normally, If I am getting ready for an evening look or just a day when I'm extra fancy, I would do some contour. I don't recommend it for a day out in the elements, however. It could wear weird and look streaky or splotchy after your 4th overpriced beer in the midday sun. No, the fun thing we are going to do is put some highlighter on this "about to be White Girl Drunk" face. You need to look ethereal as shit. And highlighter is your ticket to the goddess Diana herself sitting on a goddamn magic cloud. Focus mainly on the cheekbones and just go nuts. Dry girls, you can add some to the forehead and bridge of the nose. Oily girls- you should know better than to get anywhere near your t-zone with highligher unless you want to look like bobbed for greasy glitter apples.

Are you all levitating goddesses now? Good. Next, you can use a little bit of blush on the apples of the cheek, but you can skip this if it is not your jam. Chances are, that molly-laced elderflower gummy dab is going to give you a nice little flush. (disclaimer: you should not do drugs, even the made up ones that I just mentioned).

NOW THE EYES! This is really where you can let your inner enchanted forest sprite aura shine.

Because I just got this palate and I fucking love it, I'm going to use the Morphe Live in Color artistry palette. Just look at it:

And all the proceeds from this palette go to The Trevor Project. I'd tell you where to get it, but they are currently sold out. Womp, Womp.

As for the makeup application, this is where I had to google some shit as the festival eye look is way outside my wheelhouse. I found a lot of striking options online, but so many of them just screamed "staff infection" after a rando guy drunkenly brushes the arm of his sweat-soaked Tame Impala shirt on your face.

So, even though the glitter and gem bedazzled eye looks are gorgeous; let's keep the makeup irritant-free. Also- a lot of the bindi inspired looks that I found looked hella cultural appropriate-y and there's already enough of that at these festivals.
Something like this should give you the extra oomph you want but without insulting someone's culture or resulting in conjunctivitis.

You can see me attempt this makeup application and get a more in-depth tutorial in the video at the end of this blog.

So, for mascara, I think you will want a pretty simple, nonflaking mascara. I LOVE W3ll People Expressionist mascara, it's a healthy mascara that doesn't hurt my eyes. I've never had it flake on me....unlike your ride home from the festival.

Let's talk about lipstick. Normally, I'm a huge fan of a matte nude, stay all day lip. But, stay all day liquid lipsticks tend to dry out and despite being "stay all day," there's a strong likelihood that you will eat your lipstick know, from all the "meditating." In this instance, I suggest either a lipstain followed up with a good moisturizing gloss; or a nude lip with an iridescent lip topper and gloss. Either way, pack your lip items as you will need to reapply. Also bring a good lip balm for when you eventually decide "fuck it."

Finally, spray your look with a setting spray. My go to is Skindinavia's Oil Control Makeup Setting Spray. You'll notice that I've mentioned the Skindinavia brand twice in this blog. It is because I stan it. Also, fun fact- Skindinavia makes the Urban Decay setting sprays, but the Skindinavia product is cheaper.

The result? Well, I'm proud to say that the look lasted from 3pm until 8am the following morning. Yes, this messy bitch slept in her eye makeup in the name of investigative journalism.

The pictures below show the story of my eye look:


4pm Eye Roll:

5pm Sandwich:

7pm Beer:

 11pm Bedtime:

8am the following morning after coffee:

Sure, the last pic is a little worse for wear, but not really too bad considering that I am a violently active sleeper.

OK, so here's the good stuff; I videoed a terrible makeup tutorial. I mean, it's really the worst one on the internet. It is full of swearing and lacking in actual makeup advice. Also, the angles are cringe-worthy. The lighting is that of a hostage video...and in the beginning, I sound like a hostage to my own idea. It's worth a view if only to use as blackmail against me. Sigh, the things I do for you as a blogger....

Whew! Thoughts? Leave a comment. And as always, thank you for reading.


Anonymous said...

I like the parrot eye look! Let’s go to a festival and get stupid, I’ll bring get one of those hand held menopause fans and like 10 of those liquor flask bangle bracelets. We don’t even need a festival, let’s just go to the park, for research
-Madame Gem

Know-Getter said...

@ Madame Gem- this sounds like a great idea!

Know-Getter said...


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