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Monday, June 24, 2019

Coffee Break Convo - What's Up With Birthdays? 10 Interesting and Weird Birthday Facts

Today is my husband's birthday. He is Old Man Yelling At Clouds years old.

As I was baking him a cake (because I dared myself to), I started to think about why we have birthday cakes and wondered how all this birthday stuff started. Basically, I wanted to know who's fault it was that I was baking a cake when I could just be day drunk instead.

But first- here's the cake that I baked (I better get a Hollywood Handshake for this):

And here's proof that I actually made it, in which I give into my inner rabid squirrel desires and gobble up the remaining whipped cream topping:




Anyway, back to birthdays. Here is what I now know:

1. Birthdays started in Egypt. Well, more specifically, only for Pharaohs and they celebrated the day that they were crowned, which was considered to be their "birth" into becoming gods. I should ask my husband if he was ever invited to a pharaoh's birthday party.


2. Greeks started the tradition of cakes and candles. They decorated moon-shaped cakes with candles to honor the lunar goddess, Artemis. The candles' glow was meant to represent the radiance of the moon. The cakes were made out of wheat, olive oil, cheese, and honey. That sounds like some artisan, hipster shit to me.

3. The Romans were the first to celebrate birthdays for the common man...but for men only; because of course. Fucking patriarchy.

4. Contemporary cakes were invented by 18th-century Geman bakers for a child's birthday or "kinderfest" which is the closest to modern birthday parties.

5. Speaking of Germany, there is a tradition wherein any single man over the age of 30 must sweep the steps of the town hall on his birthday to show that he is tidy to potential suitors. Tradition mandates that he must stay there until kissed by a lady. All the while, his friends get to throw trash at him and hurl insults. Way to keep it weird, Germany

6. But it gets weirder in Switzerland- parents hire an evil clown to follow a child around all day on their birthday, ending with throwing a pie in poor kid's face. This is supposed to bring good luck to the kid. And by "luck" I'm assuming that's just a mistranslation for "trauma."



7. And of course the Irish have to enter the contest with something called "bumping" in which you grab the birthday victim by the ankles and lower them upside down so that their head touches the floor. Go home, Ireland. You're drunk.

8. Speaking of drunks, the most common birthday in the U.S. is Oct 5....because your parents got shit-faced and banged on New Year's Eve. Gross.

9. You know those fucking annoying musical birthday cards? Those cards use more computing power than what was used to send men to the moon. I don't know why, but that bothers me.

10. The highest holiday in the Church of Satan is one's own birthday. Fuck yeah.



Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go hire an evil clown and figure out how to drop my husband on his head on this high holiday.

You got any weird birthday facts? Drop them in the comments!


2 comments:

Unknown said...

Ooh! I have one! The Happy Birthday song was originally called "Good Morning To You" and is heavily copyrighted so that is why so many restaurants sing their own versions of that song and why many movies and TV shows use different versions as well. Cheap fuckers.

Know-Getter said...

Ha! That is a good one!

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